There were no holds barred in the first debate between Todd Alderman and Inzamam Guevara. Alderman grilled Guevara about certain recent remarks he made. He was quoted as saying: “Anyone who supports Todd Alderman is sub-human. I would have no qualms literally incinerating such vermin. I mean that.”
Guevara insisted the comments were taken out of context.
Then Guevara turned the heat on Alderman, introducing to the stage Candy St Fox, a porn star with whom Alderman had had a two-year affair. Guevara condemned his opponent as unfaithful, misogynistic and creepy, before announcing St Fox would be heading up the Democrats’ new ethics committee.
It was close, but most commentators agreed Guevara won the debate.
Three days later came the event that shook the nation. During a live, one-on-one television interview featuring Inzamam Guevara, a crazed man gained access to the studio and rushed the presidential candidate. He held a pistol point blank to Guevara’s head, before pausing and looking down at his palm.
“I want everybody to know,” said the man, “that Donald Trump makes me—” he raised his hand to his face and squinted, “—made me… racist. And that’s why I’m going to kill you now.” He glanced sidelong off camera, then repeated, louder, “I’m going to kill you now!”
A security guard then ran in and tackled the would-be assassin gently to the ground. (Police later identified the man as Ira Quist, a struggling actor. Aside from the pistol—which turned out to be fake—he had in his possession only one item: a fifty-thousand dollar cheque, signed, incidentally, by Guevara.)
It was shocking stuff. Guevara bravely and calmly continued the interview, drawing attention to how divided the country had become, and how America could not survive four more years of Republican leadership.
Guevara’s near-assassination drowned out all other news for a week, including the news that Todd Alderman had been stabbed to death in a restaurant.
Failed Republican candidate Walter Meeley was called in to replace the deceased Alderman. Recovering from heart surgery, Meeley was a pale, slurring mess. Odds of a Republican victory in November blew out to the longest in living memory; some punters put on a wager just in case Guevara “did a Hillary”.
The Twitter hashtag #hotsauce4prez was trending, and it was time for Guevara’s next move. Getting liberals to support him had been the easy part of the campaign; now he had to turn that support into votes. He ran a television ad in which a soothing voice explained:
“Now more than ever this country needs you to have your say. But here are some things you may not have realised—Tweeting does not count as a vote. Liking a Facebook post does not count as a vote. Rioting does not count as a vote. Burning an effigy does not count as a vote. And becoming hysterically enraged at the result of an election does not count as a retroactive vote. Only a vote counts as a vote. So this November, have your say for Hotsauce Guevara. By that I mean vote.”
With Walter Meeley medically unfit to participate in, well, anything, the remaining two debates were cancelled. And so it came to Election Day. Inzamam Guevara was relaxed and in good spirits; Walter Meeley was stabbed to death in a restaurant. It was a landslide win for “Hotsauce”, and the dawn of a new era for America.
Newly elected President Guevara is not without his critics—oh how the naysayers howled when he funded his “Everything for Free” bill by selling Wyoming and the Dakotas to China. But for all the Republicans’ fearmongering, America has not yet collapsed. And despite the predictions of capitalists, socialism has not killed everyone. And those it has killed, the government has assured us, were deserving. Hotsauce has brought hope, and if the first month of his presidency is any indication, America has a bright future.
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