Tinseltown was abuzz yesterday as crowds of hopefuls lined the streets for a shot at stardom. In an unprecedented gamble, a major movie studio announced open calls for the lead role in its new, six hundred million dollar project, Immaculate Termination. Head of Narcissus Studios, Martin Ahab, believes the approach will generate a wider interest in the film industry.
“Hollywood these days is seen as a bubble of elites,” he explained. “By giving a commoner the chance to stand alongside a superstar like Jet Overmeyer, we’re showing the moviegoing public that behind the glitz and glamour we’re just like them.”
Celebrities and other important voices have lauded the decision as “brave” and “magnanimous”, considering the events of the past twelve months. Since November last year, over three hundred men and women have levelled sexual assault allegations at movie industry heavy hitters. Martin Ahab and Jet Overmeyer are among the accused.
Michelle Parker-Barrow, speaking on behalf of the Guild of Holy Actors, condemned the allegations.
“What we are seeing is an epidemic of jealous troglodytes,” she said, “who, for some twisted reason, are hell-bent on destroying a sacred American industry. Think about it—twenty-six sexual assault accusations against Jet Overmeyer? It’s ludicrous, and a disgrace. The man is an Oscar winner—does that mean nothing anymore?”
The controversy failed to deter multitudes of amateurs yesterday from their own taste of Hollywood, with some waiting ten hours in line for a three-minute interview with casting directors. Producer, Raqueesha Sour, explained the process:
“Auditions? No, no—these were just preliminary interviews. Checking Twitter and Facebook accounts mostly.”
Each applicant’s entire social media history was scoured for anything that might be construed as racist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, fat-shaming, cultural appropriation, pro-life, pro-Trump, pro-Second Amendment, anti-socialist, praise (including tolerance) of Ben Shapiro, criticism of Barack Obama, climate change denial, or offensive in any possible way.
Of the six thousand people who tried out for the role, only two passed the trigger test: Ray Keller, a one-hundred and three-year-old former World War II radio operator from Jacksonville; and Zack Olsen, a second grade student from San Diego. Keller was the ideal choice early on, having never heard of Twitter, but after a security guard caught him wearing a red hat as he left the parking lot he was instantly disqualified. Studio executives denounced Keller as a Nazi and doused him in gasoline: his blacklisting was official.
Though it turned out Keller’s red hat did not have the MAGA design, as first believed, but rather the logo for McNabb Family Auto Repairs, the decision stood.
Immaculate Termination director, Mark Fanducci, announced this morning that Zack Olsen had scored the coveted role, and teased a few details of the big film.
“Zack here is the ideal choice,” he stated before a packed press conference. “He’ll bring a lot of authenticity to the role. We want to tell the real story of Jesus Christ, about his lifelong crusade for taxpayer-funded abortion. And with Jet Overmeyer playing the evil Republican, Judas, we have a dynamite combination.”
Raqueesha Sour shared Fanducci’s excitement.
“Zack is going to make a great Jesus. Hormone therapy has already begun, and production will start as soon as Zack recovers from gender reassignment surgery. He was a little reluctant at first, but we’ve helped him see that it’s about time we had a female Son of God.”
Many are touting Immaculate Termination to spark a new Golden Age of Hollywood.
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