And There Was Ninja Moustache (Chapter 55)

    Don’t stuff this up. You have one job. Those two rocks. Easy. If anyone comes past those rocks, shoot them. Is the safety off on this gun? Good lord, you’ve checked six times already. Just once more. Yep, it’s off. Don’t worry, it’s a bloody Uzi, the gun they use in the movies. Just keep squeezing the trigger and no one will get anywhere near you… unless they come up the hill a different way.


    No, forget that. Rory knows what he’s talking about. If he says to watch the big rocks, then that’s where they’ll be coming. Two big goalposts. Just keep shooting. It’s a bottleneck. Like that guy who stayed behind on the bridge to give his mates time to escape—the bridge was so narrow his enemies could only attack him in single file. Yeah. What was that guy’s name? Who cares? Keep your eyes on the rocks.

    How long has it been? Where did Rory go? Is he coming back? Am I supposed to stay here until he does? It’s so quiet. My knee hurts. I wish I had a chair. What was that? Just watch the rocks. I swear that tree over there just moved. Oh man, I hope it’s not the goanna. I’ll shoot it. I will, I don’t care. No, I won’t shoot it. Was that a footstep? Damn it. Has it been an hour yet? Okay, that time the tree really did move, I swear to God. I’m pretty sure it did. Or maybe not. Bloody imagination—I try to write a children’s book and can’t think of a single bloody idea, and now when I need to concentrate, I’m seeing ghosts in the trees. Maybe a kid’s book about a haunted forest. That could work. Sort of Brothers Grimm. Watch the rocks.

    Oh man, my stomach hurts. Why did I eat all those peaches before? Stupid. I’ll just check the safety on the gun—yep, good to go. I really need to poo. Was that… was that a footstep? Maybe it’s Rory again. Should I try to whistle like a whipbird? No, for the love of God keep your mouth shut! Are you crazy? Just watch the rocks. How long has it been? I wonder if the kids are in bed yet. Come on, concentrate. Watch the rocks. What did Rory say? A maniac, that’s it. Fight like a maniac. It’s the least I can do for him. What is that? Is that… a tiger? Don’t be stupid, there are no tigers here. It’s just a shadow—a weird bush or something. It sure looks like a tiger. Watch the rocks. Okay, what the hell? That tiger-looking-bush-shadow just moved to the other side of that tree. It definitely did. It couldn’t have. Watch the rocks. Is the safety—Yes the f**king safety is off! Watch the rocks! Damn it, I don’t want to do this anymore. Well tough, you’re here now, so be a man and get it done. Wait… okay, if that shadow is not a tiger, then why did it just growl? I need to poo.


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