And There Was Ninja Moustache (Chapter 65)

 Emergency Call Operator: Triple-O emergency, do you require Police, Fire and Rescue, or Ambulance?

 Caller: Uh… Police.

 Operator: And what state are you located in?

 Caller: Queensland.

 Operator: Please hold the line.

 Emergency Call Operator #2: Police. What is your emergency?

 Caller: [Away from phone] Nah, you can’t use my phone, I’m talking on it. Where’s your phone? Ah, you’re f**king useless.

 Operator: Sir, what is your emergency?

 Caller: Huh? Hello?

 Operator: Please state the nature of your emergency.

 Caller: Oh yeah. Police.

 Operator: This is the police service. What is your emergency?

 Caller: F**king aliens, man.

 Operator: Could you please repeat that?

 Caller: What? Aliens. They’re in the sky. The place up the road… it’s going batsh**.

 Operator: Sir, are you saying aliens?

 Caller: [Away from phone] How can that be my phone, ya f**kwit? I’m talking on my phone. I don’t know whose it is. Just use it.

 Operator: Sir?

 Caller: Yeah, we’re gonna film it. [Away from phone] Don’t take pictures, ya d**khead, use the video. We’ll get on the news.

 Operator: Sir, do you need emergency assistance?

 Caller: Yeah, bloody oath. This place up the road has got all crazy f**king lights and sh**. They’re blowing sh** up. It’s f**king mental.

 Operator: What is your address there?

 Caller: [Away from phone] Go and stand outside and film it. You’re not gonna see anything through the f**king curtains.

 Operator: Sir, can you give me the address of your location?

 Caller: Huh? What do you want my address for?

 Operator: If there’s a disturbance, I can send a police car.

 Caller: Nah, it’s not a f**king disturbance—holy sh**! Did you see that? Oh f**k, man. Sh**. [Away from phone] Keep filming it, Jared!

 Operator: Sir, do you need help?

 Caller: Yeah man, it’s f**king crazy. Send the army. There’s a giant f**king meat cleaver in the sky. It’s raining fish.

 Operator: Sir, I’m going to send the police. What is the address of your location?

 Caller: Why do you want my address?

 Operator: I need to know where to send the police.

 Caller: Nah, it’s not my place, it’s up the road.

 Operator: What is the name of the street?

 Caller: Don’t send them here. [Away from phone] They want to send the police here. Yeah, that’s what I told them.

 Operator: Sir, I need to know where to send the police. What suburb are you in?

 Caller: [Away from phone] I’m no good to drive. Neither are you. Keep filming, man. Is it still there?

 Operator: Sir, what suburb are you in? Do you know the street name, or the postcode there?

 Caller: Postcode? [Away from phone] Sh** man, they’re want to send a f**king summons. They can’t do that, can they? I’m just on the phone.

 Operator: No sir, I’m not sending a letter. I just need to know where the situation is, so I can send the police.

 Caller: Nah, don’t send the cops here. I’ve got… uh… the house is a mess. Yeah. They can’t come in without a warrant anyway. I’ve got rights.

 Operator: Sir, what is the alien situation you mentioned earlier?

 Caller: What? Oh, nah, don’t worry about it. There’s no aliens, it’s just… dogs. The neighbour’s dogs were barking. But they’re asleep now. It’s all good.

 Operator: Sir—

 Caller: Don’t send the cops.

    —Transcript of an emergency call believed to relate to the events of Rory’s party. Call received 7:23pm, 22nd February 2020.

© 2021 MILES VENISON ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

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