And There Was Ninja Moustache (Chapter 74)

    “We’ve got no weapons, right?”

 “Nothing. Unless you’ve got something hidden up your sleeve.”


 “Okay then.”

 “Jeez, it’s hot.”

 “Yeah, I’m bloody melting here.”

 “What do you reckon that thing is? Some kind of laser?”

 “Dunno. Maybe.”

 “Oi, pay attention. We’re supposed to be brainstorming.”

 “I thought you said we had all the time we needed.”

 “We do, but I’d rather get out of here sooner than later.”

 “Yeah, come on. Let’s figure this out.”


 “Could we dig our way out? We could escape through the tunnels.”

 “We don’t have shovels.”

 “I’m not digging with my hands. We’d starve to death before we got anywhere.”

 “All right, I was just suggesting. No bad ideas, right?”

 “Yeah, he’s right, we need ideas. Keep ’em coming.”

 “Can you reverse time with that thing? Go back to before Biscuits fired that laser cannon at us.”

 “No, we can’t go back.”

 “Old Nils came back.”

 “Yeah, in his submarine, not with disruptors.”

 “Wait, what?”

 “Old Nils’s submarine is a time machine.”

 “Seriously? From the future?”


“So, you really are Nils in ten years’ time?”

 “Yeah, about ten years.”

 “Come on guys, focus.”

 “Oh yeah.”

 “Can we move the disruptors?”

 “How do you mean?”

 “Could we pick them up but, sort of… stay in formation? Could we move the time bubble thing—you know, say, walk over there but stay in this time?”

 “Uh… that might work. Old Nils?”

 “Well, in theory I don’t see why not. Only we’d have to move slowly and keep an eye on the readings.”

 “Right. Too much variation too quickly and the disruption zone could collapse.”

 “Collapse? What happens then?”

 “We just go back to normal time.”

 “And that bloody great fireball melts us.”


 “It’s already melting me, man. I don’t feel so good. I have to get out of here.”

 “Hang in there. We’re working on it.”

 “How far back have you gone?”


 “In the submarine—how far back in time have you gone?”

 “Me personally? Just back to your time now.”


 “Guys, come on.”

 “Hang on. You mean you never went back to the middle ages or to see the dinosaurs?”

 “No, we can’t go back that far yet.”


 “Hang on. Why not?”

 “It’s new technology. It’s like… you know how the Wright brothers’ first flight was only a hundred feet or so? Well, that’s where we’re at with time travel—only about fifty years in either direction.”

 “Huh. Amazing.”

 “Miles, are you done?”

 “Hmm? Oh, yeah. Sorry.”

 “It’s all right. We might be onto something here. Let’s figure it out.”

 “Okay, so… if each of us picks up a disruptor—Nils, you stay in the middle and work the remote—and then we shuffle our way… let’s say over to the shed—”

 “I don’t think we should go that way.”

 “Yeah all right, one step at a time. Could we get there? Would that work?”

 “…Yeah. I think that would work.”

 “Are you sure?”

 “Pretty sure.”

 “I don’t think we have another option. Either we move, or we’re just waiting here for that fireball to get us.”

 “Man, I really don’t feel good. It’s so hot.”

 “Keep it together, bro, we’ll be out of here soon.”

 “So, we’re doing that then?”

 “Yeah, I think that’s our best chance.”

 “I don’t think we should go to the shed.”

 “The shed was just a hypothetical. We can move wherever.”

 “We can go around the side of the house and down the front. We could walk all the way into town if we need. Get a car and get the hell out of here.”

 “No. If we let Biscuits live now, he’ll be back again to kill us. And we won’t see him coming next time.”

 “That’s right. We have to finish it now.”

 “So, we go around that way and come up behind him.”

 “There’s still the fellas with the machine guns.”

 “Oh yeah. You reckon take them first?”


 “Hmm… Okay. We go over to this guy here, come around behind him and disarm him. That would be the tricky bit, but it should work with two or three of us. Budgie, you could throw your disruptor out in front of him, so he’s inside the bubble. But then he won’t be frozen, he’ll be in the same time as us, right? Right. So we’ll have to be ready and move fast. I’ll grab the gun. Old Nils, go for the choke. Miles, you wrap his legs up. He’ll have a handgun on his hip—cover it up and bear hug him, bite him, punch him in the balls, do what you have to. Budge, if you can get in there, punch him in the face, gouge his eyes—get him to drop the gun. We have the element of surprise, so we should be all right. Bang, one down. Then we have a gun. The other three should be easy, we can keep some distance—come up behind them, bullet to the back of the head. That should work, right? And then for Biscuits.”

 “Will that work on your end, Nils?”

 “Should be fine. Just move slowly so I can keep an eye on the readings. I’ll let you know if we need to stop or make adjustments.”

 “All right, while we’re moving, Nils has the conch. All good? Shall we give it a bash?”


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