Humorous Stories by Miles Venison
When I was nine, I went to my cousin’s wedding. It was at a church. Not an old church, or one with a spire; it wasn’t made from big stones, and it didn’t have a graveyard or stained-glass windows. There were no hard wooden pews or hymn books. It didn’t smell weird. This place was... Continue Reading →
Ernie Velmont, wearing bright red board shorts, an unbuttoned Hawaiian shirt, aviator sunglasses and a pair of Ugg boots, strode into the veterinary practice on Lime Street. The one next to the hairdressers. He lifted his sunglasses, looked around the waiting room at the young boy with his mother, the old man, the very fat... Continue Reading →
Shane “Slingshot” Adams sat on a milk crate outside a kebab shop and stared at the raindrops darting down into the street. Tiny flashes of white and blue and red, reflecting the lights of the cars and the shops. The rain trickled down the back of his neck, soaking the bright yellow collar of his... Continue Reading →
You can’t judge a boat by how she handles calm waters. Let her weather a storm or two and then see if she is worth shackling yourself to a debt you have no hope of ever repaying. No matter how splendid a boat looks, no matter how many women you believe it will entice to... Continue Reading →
Elliott Pinchman was used to naysayers. Having family members, friends, legal experts, clergy and even strangers tell you that you are headed for failure seems to be a rite of passage for any self-taught taxidermist. “Oh Elliott, it’s such a gruesome profession.” “Elliott, find a new hobby. Why don’t you take up roller skating or... Continue Reading →
“I like bread. I’m not apologising for that. And I’m not going to miss out on what makes me happy anymore just to please you.” “Why do you have to blow everything out of proportion? I never said—” “I know what you said, and I know what you meant.” It wasn’t the kind of... Continue Reading →
Danny Belcher had worked at St Blaise Bank’s Fairfield Shopping Centre branch for eight years. He had been a loyal employee, followed the rules, worked hard, and worn a constant smile—even while enduring abuse from frustrated customers. He had denied loans, offered credit card limit increases, requested the immediate payment of overdrawn account fees,... Continue Reading →
For years now, debate has raged over the true genius behind—well, no, I wouldn’t say debate has raged. Let’s see… Debate has flourished… No. Not quite. Debate has…existed?Yes, let’s go with that. For years now, debate has existed about the true genius behind the literary masterworks commonly accredited to William Shakespeare. It has not... Continue Reading →
Zebedee sat down and rubbed his huge, calloused palms against his weary eyes. He leaned back and stared blankly at the old clay oil lamp on the table in front of him. Its tiny flame flicked and swayed, gallantly defending against the long evening shadows creeping through the windows. He stroked his chin where... Continue Reading →
There was a time, not so long ago, when men were men. There was a time when the elderly were respected, when milkmen were appreciated, and when children could ride their bikes down at the quarry on a Sunday afternoon without fear of perverts or peanut butter sandwiches. Those were the days. My... Continue Reading →
In Search of Lost Marbles 